It has been some time since I last posted a reflection. Though I have not been blogging, I have been writing and reflecting on things I have been reading and experiences that I have had.
One of my favorite authors and speakers on spirituality is Mark Nepo. I find a certain sense of gratification as I read his many writings in The Book of Awakening. The muse for this reflection grew from Mark’s writing for June 28th titled, All That We Are Not.
After reading All That We Are Not, I became acutely aware that I hide from my true self. Though I trust that the real me, my true self, is within me, I have developed a practice of covering up my shining light. The emotions that I feel, the many thoughts I have as well as the many activities I engage in – all act as distractions. I cover up who I truly am by focusing on life outside of myself.
This does seem strange to me. I value personal growth, which in my mind means looking inward. Like most of us, I seem to be caught in our culture’s search for that which must be outside of me – and the concept that once I have it I will be happy. I continue to find myself caught in believing the “if only” thinking that gets triggered by so many things in the culture of the United States. Sometimes it seems that the only way I will be able to avoid these outside influences is to hide away in some remote place, that isolates me from the busy-ness of life.
In reality, even if I chose to withdraw in some way, those things that keep me from my true self will still be with me. I cannot escape any of the defenses I have developed. What I can do though, is quiet my mind rather than letting myself get caught in my thinking, still my being rather than keeping myself busy, and finally, allowing the feelings that arise to flow through me rather than concentrating on them to the point I believe how I feel is my truth.
As I continue to reflect, I begin to imagine what it would be like to take time to refocus myself. To stop hiding from who I am inside and to instead let my light shine in the world. To let go of the myth about “if only.” To no longer speculate on my life being different if I were different. I am reminded that do have the power to shift my focus. I have the ability to still myself and to listen to the still small voice within me. I choose to respond to my feelings and not be overwhelmed and directed by them.
I bought into the idea that a role I played or belief I had or an emotion I felt in any particular moment was what created my entirety and thus my happiness. Instead, these are only ways I had been burying who I truly am – perhaps because I am afraid I will not measure up. But measure up to whom or to what?
In All That We Are Not, Mark shared how Michelangelo approached sculpting. The artist saw the exquisiteness that was already in the marble. He understood that his role was to carve away the excess stone to free the beauty that was already in each piece.
As I imagine peeling away thoughts, letting go of lists of things to do and releasing emotions I have been holding onto, I begin to see my true self differently. And I begin to feel lighter. I am playing with letting go of everything that I have been using to bury my true self.
As the feeling of lightness intensifies, I see an image of a winged figure that morphes into the hummingbirds that come to feed outside my window. As a spirit animal, hummingbirds are considered a symbol of joy, playfulness and adaptability. They love life and never need to measure up to anything or anyone!
Not commonly known, the wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of the infinity symbol. Their joy is endless. As a totem animal the hummingbird reflects the sweetest nectar within, reminding me of the sweet nectar of ME!
Through this reflection, I have gained more clarity and a deeper understand about who I truly am. I am love, light and joy. My truth is compassion, justice, equanimity, pure creative energy, and all that is beauty in the world. My true self is reflected in the infinite beauty of the hummingbird.