. . . We’re such fragile, resilient creatures . . . we ride this call to both stay alive and be alive, which has us running from all the things that might hurt us and break us, while seeking all the things that might wake us and break us open.
- Mark Nepo - Finding What Can Last, Spirituality/health.com
HELP
This post is about my inner struggle - a recurring theme and my constant teacher. Put simply, I was in a funk. Still functioning but in a less meaningful way. I had set aside most of my daily spiritual practices. I had trouble concentrating when I would read, I continued to avoid creative endeavors, and the mindfulness practices that I often wove throughout my day were pretty much nonexistent.
For about 10 days, I found myself repeating an evening review of the day - how I had been feeling, how I had responded to those feelings - and then to make a plan to start tomorrow with. How I could lift myself out of the awkward mood I was in. With each subsequent day I would find myself back in the same prickly pattern. Ugh! No relief seemed in sight. I was feeling frustrated to say the least.
Finally as I was preparing for bed, again irritated by my array of distractedness, I asked for HELP. In my mind’s eye I shouted the word HELP actually. I wanted HELP to understand what was going on within me. I so wanted things to shift! Almost as suddenly as I cried HELP, I heard the word Anger.
The word anger so easily popped into my mind, it touched my heart and resonated so profoundly that my eyes quickly filled to over-flowing with tears. I had no clue what I might be so deeply angry about. Hurriedly, my mind ran through a few scenarios but nothing seemed to produce resonance for me. With no other obvious hit, I made the choice to allow space for whatever this anger was or was about, awaking the next morning with a welcomed sense of lightness.
The veil had thinned enough that I was able to recall some of what I believed as truth about my emotions – that no matter the label attach to them, my feelings are a gift. A gift with a distinct purpose. Do you recall ever having one of those plastic boxes of watercolor paints when you were young? I believe my feelings are like that. My feelings are multi-colored; can be mixed together; when they are diluted they change shade and: they can be purposefully spread out into this life - in a meaningful and positive way. I had simply forgotten what an extraordinary experience my feelings can be if I do not attempt to stuff them or cover them up. This beautiful array of colors (emotions) is an extension of my sense of touch. I had been pretending that what was touching my heart was best ignored. To ignore what was “touching” me I had to numb myself.
THANKS
I was feeling so grateful that the funk had lifted. Thankful about all the accompanying energy that came with now revealed anger, I was so very happy to have a scheduled spiritual direction appointment later in the day. Though I understood that the angry energy I had been trying to contain was the reason for my restlessness, I still did not have any hint as to the source of my anger.
Why do I need to know more you might ask? I needed to be aware so I could use this gift! Feelings of anger, irritation, infuriation and upset remind me that do not like a situation, or that it is not safe or fair. It provides the energy I need to take some action to right the wrong, create safety or to change the circumstance in some way. What a powerful ability to have! And when an upwelling of anger is outside my conscious awareness I cannot make choices about how to response to what is deeply touching me. That was the hitch for me. I had not been aware of feeling mad. Instead, I had worked to keep my heart closed off and at bay for several days. I was trying to ignore this experience of deep feelings and at the same time knew that as I closed myself off I was cutting my connection with everyone and everything that supported me.
Not in that liminal space where I could make a choice about the anger, I lacked the very awareness I needed to get out of my rut. THANKS again. The universe helped me remove the glue that had me stuck on repeat. I could now make some choices to take action – action that would lift me out of the darkness I had put myself in to avoid the discomfort of my heart opening.
WOW!
Now to my Spiritual Direction appointment. Karen helped me deepen my insight (yes to open my heart) as it was here I was holding the anger. Wow! Once I released the anger I had been holding, I felt so much lighter. I no longer needed to hold anger’s energy down. I felt so much more vital. My struggle had been sapping my power supply.
This clarity helped me move further into a place of forgiveness – for myself and for those whom I had snared in my net of unfelt anger. I held back as if the anger would break me some how. Instead it is this “holding back” that interruptions me. And interrupted, I cannot learn and grow from the experience. This holding back also keeps me from claiming my interconnectedness with the Universe, with Spirit, the Divine and with all of life! When connected I know there is a power greater than me and a great power within me – and my heart opens to this power which I simply refer to as Love!
As I close, I have one more gratitude to share. This one is to Anne Lamott, author of many books that I love, one of my favorites being, HELP, THANKS, WOW!